top of page


Usually on the weekends I get to go on fun adventures, but this morning when Mom opened the door we didn’t go to our car. That means that we were headed back to My Trail just like on any other boring day. I tried to tell her it wasn’t a work day, and so I didn’t need to go on patrol, but she wouldn’t listen. To make me feel better, Mom let me play “on your mark, get set, go!” for the first time in a long time. That’s when I get to run her, rather than the other way around.

Every time she said, “On your mark, get set, go!” I got so excited that it wasn’t enough to just pull her at a million miles an hour, I had to grab the leash in my mouth and yank like a bucking bronco. The bronco game ended abruptly when I swerved underfoot and she yelled at me in her monster voice. After that I just made her run so fast that she was a flailing chaos of arms and legs at the end of my leash. When she said, “eeeeeasy” (which means, “Mom’s about to fall down, you handsome devil!”) I was having none of it. I’ve been getting stronger in my manhood, and I knew that there was a certain speed beyond which Mom could not make herself an anchor because she’s not heavy enough to overcome my tremendous momentum. So away we went like that until eventually Mom died. No, I’m kidding. I let her chill out before death set in, but not till I was good and ready and she started to get heavy.

But I wasn’t done using my weight to my advantage. When we were just a block from the house I saw a squirrel dart across the street. I took off after it so fast that I pulled Mom sideways off the sidewalk into the street. Man, she was NOT happy about that. She yelled at the squirrel in her monster voice so loud that I’m sure she woke up everybody in my whole jurisdiction at dawn on a Saturday. Honestly, I don’t know why Mom gets on my case about barking so much. What a hypocrite!

–Oscar the bullet train


bottom of page