The West
(the reboot)

I'm retelling the stories from my first season of road trips when I was four years old. That's 2018 in people years.

New stories every Wednesday.

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Impending doom-doom-doooooooom

Mom’s shoe reached under the table and hooked the loop. I clamped my butt to the floor and braced all four legs. The leash pulled taut and my collar dug into my neck.

Impending doom

“You sure are lucky you’re leaving the City when you are. It’s coming…” She paused for a meaningful look and her eyes added, You know what I’m talking about and how monstrous it is.

Eggs marks the spot (free)

“I have a surprise for you,” Mom said. I lifted my head and cocked my ears, but she wasn’t looking at me. She was looking at the Witch.

Yes-I-Can-ada or What’s-Next-ico (free)

It didn’t really matter where the Wagon was, as long as I was inside it with Mom. But what happens when your home goes back home?

👠 Cindersmella pt. 2

“I guess I should introduce myself to all these disappointed people so they don’t feel like they drove so far from the Starbucks for nothing

Cindersmella pt. 1 (free)

“Maybe a prince will come knocking on every wagon door in Oregon searching for the freakishly small foot that fits,” I told her.

Bend over (free)

I sat up to see the luxury campground that would be our home for the night. “Look, Mom! A Wendy’s! And it’s right nextdoor!”

Strawberry Icing (free)

“It’s beautiful!” Mom said, still in that ooey-gooey strawberry-shortcake voice. “This must be what enchantment feels like.”

Strawberry shortcut (free)

“Silly dog. Nature deals luck randomly. We have to be prepared for anything so we can survive a bad hand until the cards are dealt again.”

Hatching a plan (free)

“I think I know where the potatoes are coming from,” Mom said. “Hang onto your hat, Spud. This is gonna blow your mind.”

Build a bridge and get over it (free)

“You don’t have to beat all of life’s levels by yourself. Sometimes someone has already made it easier, but you have to take their hints.”

Wade and see (free)

I stepped into the river and made a big show of stopping for a drink to show the water that couldn’t push me around.

The moose is loose (free)

“They can’t catch us if we outrun them.” Mom leaned forward and fell uphill in what looked like the sprint of someone who just grew legs

Potato Beast (free)

She looked up like someone was calling her name and her eyes darted wildly, pointing at the empty air right above her head.

Idahome on the range (free)

“It can’t possibly be unpaved all the way to Idaho,” Mom decided, forgetting that the Witch didn’t follow her orders like the Wagon and I di

Mad George (free)

“It must be a river,” Mom said in a sleepy voice. “This place is called Mad Gorge which means—"

Crying Wolf (free)

I must have been behind a rock by the time Mom came by. The next time I heard her, she was bellowing my name from farther down the trail.

WOLF! (free)

“Mom! Guess what!” I wagged. “You’ll never guess who I just chased! He was extra fluffy and—“

Liar, liar, pants on fire (free)

“See!” Mom hooted. She clapped her hands and her surprised smile flickered in the firelight. “It wor... Oh.”

Raging rapids (free)

"Ack! Do you feel that?” Mom gasped. “The barometric pressure! I feel like I’m choking.”

Lockout (free)

“I don’t see why someone has to sit out in the rain all day just to do something for me that I’m perfectly capable of doing myself...”

The Covered Wagon (free)

The kaleidoscope of trees and moss fell into a pattern that made sense. “I’ve been here before!” I wagged.

Oregon Trail pt. 2 (free)

We ran down the paved road with the shadows of branches on our heads and the smell of clouds in our noses. Ahead, on the other left , a...

Oregon Trail (free)

“When I was younger, I used to look at maps of logging roads and imagine what it would be like to explore all those paths to nowhere.”

Sucker Punchbowl (free)

He aimed his witch at the empty air between the potty and the next mountain. “Aren’t your pictures missing someone?”

Spooky Story (free)

I looked back at the bite mark and my body went cold. A something was flapping just beyond the edge of it...

Your avocados or your life (free)

“You don’t know where they’ve been,” he said judgily, like Mom was irresponsible for not caring enough to check what her avocados were up to

Oscar puts the “poo”in “shampoo” (free)

“No, Mom!” I said with a subtle pull on the leash. “It’s a trap! He’s trying to dognap you!”

Tick talk (free)

She didn't even bother to unlock the mailman van before she descended on me with a hunerd pinching fingers.

Zodisack (free)

"You're not even paying attention to who might be sneaking up on you!” I checked out all the windows, then I checked them again.

Winnemuc This

“The part where you don’t know how it’s going to end is the funnest part of any story,” I agreed.

Winnemucca, Winnemucca, Winnemucca!

The real reason we were in the Outback of Nevada was because we wanted to say Winnemucca. Try it: Winnemucca, Winnemucca, Winnemucca

First Dog (free)

"Oh brother," she said from behind me in a voice like an eye roll. My collar dug into my throat as she reeled me in a little closer.

Second Dog (free)

"Mom! No! How could you? I'm a celebrity. It'll be all over TMZ! And my fans will never recognize me with that on."

Spaghetti monsters (free)

The crowd went silent as everyone held their breath. The only noise on the farm was the chicka-chicka-chick of maracas. The squiggle snarled

Itch Hiking (free)

Questions like that are how Mom cheats at arguments. She knows that dogs can't tell the future like she can.

Mailmaiden voyage (free)

Pots clattered as she dug through the kitchen, searching for I-knew-not-what. She grunted triumphantly and pulled out the knife.

Mailman van (free)

Screams filled the inside of the mailman van as the ghosts of all the dogless families he'd eaten rattled the bars.

Cattle Dog and the Poopacabra

"Oh my dog! It's the shoopacabra!" I barked. "Let's get him!" I leaned hard into the leash and ordered him to run.

Homeward Hound Part 2

I couldn't tell if it was nature or civilization calling her back, just that Mom was accepting the call.

Homeward Hound

If you try to make everything look like the plan, then you're going to miss a lot and spend the whole adventure being frustrated.

White Dirt

The car-house came to rest in a car kennel surrounded by sky. Only the crowns of a few mountains joined us in the sky, still dripping with

Falls advertising

"Why would there be a parking lot if there were nothing to see? People who drive sedans don't go up a dirt road for nothing."

Grand Canyon: It's just gorges

Death sat self-consciously behind them all, its bloodthirsty depths and time-stained teeth awkwardly out of place among the picnic tables, r

Almighty Mittens

There was something creepy about being so close to something so big.

Falling

"Oh look! A cairn." Mom veered toward a little stack of rocks. I sniffed the pile. "Hello, Karen. My name is Oscar."

PhoDOGrapher

"Heights... I can't... I'm too scared to get close enough to take a good picture," she admitted. "I was kind of hoping you'd do it for me."

Sissy fuss

The monster halted and let out a screech like a carrion bird. Then it backed up for a closer look.

If wishes were fishes

"Oh well. I suppose you've learned your lesson. Please move out of the way so we can go."

Oscar Hunt

A dog on a road trip goes for a trail run on BLM land and discovers they're in a hunting ground.

The West (the reboot)