Last night Mom was out very late, and so when we woke up at sunrise she was grouchy. She had promised me that we would go to a new place today that was mostly flat. She reminded me that I needed to go easy on her today, because she “was exhausted and not in the mood.”
We drove for longer than when we go to our usual places. No sooner had we gotten out of the car, when a strange man came up to Mom. “There are no dogs allowed here,” he said. “Ducking unbelievable!” said Mom to the man, and me, and anyone else who happened to be listening. She had been here before and seen a number of dogs, she told me. So we walked up to the entrance to the trail, and sure enough, there was the doggie apartheid symbol. “This isn’t even a state or county park, Oscar! It’s a bike trail,” Mom said, dismayed and annoyed. “I don’t know what you’re yelling at me for,” I grumbled. “I work on a bike trail. I’m a bike trail professional.”
Before we went and found somewhere new, Mom had to go potty. She took one single step past the doggie apartheid sign, then another woman ran up behind her. “Excuse me! There are no dogs allowed here!” the woman said. “Cool your jets, lady!” Mom said. “We’re leaving, I just have to go to the bathroom.” Then the bad lady left us alone, and Mom said to me, “What the heck do they think you’re going to do? Eat babies or something? We haven’t been here 2 minutes and 2 busybodies have already yelled at us. I know a place where we can run along the side of the road. It’s like a sidewalk, only it’s not paved. It’s flat, but it’s like a trail.” “Okay,” I agreed. It didn’t sound like much of an adventure, but I needed to “go easy” on her, because she was “exhausted.” Since she was real grouchy, I thought it safe to agree with everything she said.
We drove for a little while longer and then Mom parked. I was starting to get really excited now. We crossed the street, and there again was another doggie apartheid sign. “What the duck?!?!” Mom said to the sign. “This isn’t even a maintained trail!” The sign didn’t answer.
At this point the sun was getting higher and it was getting warmer. We’d been in the car for almost an hour, and still hadn’t run a step, even though we’d been yelled at by two “busybodies” and two signs. I don’t understand. I certainly didn’t have murder in mind. In fact, Mom seemed like the more dangerous of the two of us. We went to the Wetlands that Smell Like a Fart and both Mom and I suffered through a boring and grouchy run with no adventure at all.
-Oscar, who has never once murdered anyone
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