Dangerous toys

(This whole adventure does tie into running, but I’ve gotta tell you about something else first.)

OMG!OMG!OMG!OMG! There is a real, live people-puppy in my house!!! I thought that my cat-sister was the funnest thing in the whole wide world, but that was before I met my people-cousin! It looks like a people, but smaller. The first time it came in the house with NotMom and its mom (NotMom’s sister), I was really scared because it moved funny and made screechy noises. But then I realized I could look it in the eye like a dog, so I tried to play with it. I got right up in its face and barked as loud as I could, then when it looked at me I darted away daring it to chase me. That was tons of fun, but the best part was that it taught Mom this game where Mom would make her face go away with her hands, and then when her face reappeared she would be making a funny expression and an excited noise. That was the best!!! I barked and barked and barked every time Mom’s face reappeared. The people puppy was having fun, but not as much fun as I was having!

The people-puppy doesn’t use the people bathroom, and it’s too young to know how to use the dog bathroom, so it walks around all day with a poop bag tied around its waist. NotSister was changing the poop bag, and got distracted before she could find a trash bin so she left it on the end table in the living room. Then all the people (even the strange little one) left the house with the poop bag still in the living room. That treasure smelled super interesting, unlike anything I’ve ever smelled before. I like to taste things just to check if they’re food (the bedspread, the couch, any old thing that’s lying around), and this seemed like it definitely might be filled with food. So I ripped it open, and was delighted beyond my wildest dreams to find that (oh joy of joys!) it was food wrapped in a toy!!! So I ate the food, then ripped up the toy like I like to do, and I don’t know, maybe I swallowed a bit of stuffing too.

Then, hours and hours and hours later all the people came home. I could tell the people puppy or NotSister had done something very, very bad because NotMom was quiet. NotMom is never, ever quiet. Then we dumped the guests at home, and NotMom, my sister and I all went for a drive. I thought it would be a fun adventure, but this is where the story got really, really frightening. NotMom took me to the vet, where they stuck me with a needle that made me feel like absolute crap. It was just like that time I ate a tampon and a stick of butter in one day, but this time I didn’t throw up. Then they gave me something else that made me feel even worse, but I still couldn’t throw up. Finally they stuck me a final time and I felt a little better, and NotMom took me home. I thought we were going to go somewhere else, but we just sat in the driveway for like an hour until Mom came home. Then NotMom finally let us out of the car and into the house.

Now we get to the running part.

Mom followed me into the bathroom with a flashlight first thing in the morning. She never does that! I was still feeling hung over, but Mom decided to take me for a run. She said that if we ran, she could tell how I was feeling better than if we just sat around the house with exciting people-puppies. She said that my only job was to poop, and if I wasn’t feeling good to just put tension on the leash and we’d go home. Apparently the toy I may or may not have eaten some of yesterday was filled with tampons, which are dangerous. After about half a mile of running things had loosened up a bit and I achieved my goal of the day and took a poo. Rather than just picking it up like a normal person (or just flicking it under a bush and running away) Mom took a PICTURE of it. Honestly, I had no idea I was related to such sickos!

My run felt okay, but the vet says that my weirdo parents have to watch me poop for the next 3 days, just to make sure. I think that I should write a letter and complain to that food-filled toy company and tell them that their rotten toys are wonderful but dangerous and could cause vet visits, so they should stuff the food with regular stuffing rather than absorbent stuffing.

-Oscar, who is suffering from consternation but hopefully not constipation