It was going to happen eventually. Someday my sister was going to meet my nemesis – The Rollerblader. If you’ve just met me, you probably don’t know what The Rollerblader is. It is this horrifying monster that terrorizes My Trail. It makes this low “clack whirrr, clack whirrr” growl that you can hear from far off, and when it comes close it barks at you with this tinny roar that Mom calls “90’s hair bands.” It moves all wrong too. It has this ugly lumbering walk, but it doesn’t move up and down like a running human, but glides. It swings its front paws in front of it like it’s looking for something to punch. The whole package makes for a specter that fills me with terror.
Whenever I feel The Rollerblader coming, my hair stands on end and I drag Mom off the trail and cower behind her until it has passed. Once it’s past I lunge at it, every single time. “And don’t come back, you filthy slime!” I scream.
Mom was also apprehensive about my sister meeting The Rollerblader. What would she do with TWO Oscars tied around her waist lunging after The Rollerblader?!
And then this morning it happened…
“Oh god! Here it comes!” I screamed. “Everybody hide!” “Oh boy. Here we go,” Mom said, and ushered Bodie off the trail. Instead of hiding her face in the weeds, my sister watched The Rollerblader pass just to see what all the fuss was about. “It’s just a runner with wheels on its feet,” she said. “See? It’s got arms and legs, and it glides on the wheels.” “Oh,” I said, feeling a little silly. “Let’s go.” Sometimes a sensitive guy like me just needs a brave woman to tell me I’m safe.
With the crushing fear lifted, I was ebullient and pulled ahead to run next to my sister rather than behind her. “Woohoo! This is fun!” Mom whooped behind us, running in our draft. So we sped up. Mom does not have wheels on her feet, so she planted herself and put a stop to our victory sprint.
-Oscar the Rollerblader Slayer