Castle Charming
- Oscar the Pooch
- Oct 20
- 7 min read
With no more excuses pulling us east, Mom let the Wagon turn its wheels toward the sunset for the first time since our adventure began. From now on, every spin of the Wagon wheel would squeeze us back toward home like the last two drops of toothpaste in the tube.
Now that we were facing west, it felt strange to be sucked back toward home so fast. The Wagon crossed Wyoming in one long gulp, and by lunchtime the next day, we were already back in Utah. Mountains grew in the front window and the freeway started to swell from one lane to two, then three. When there were more lanes than I could count on my legs, I had to say something.
“Watch out, Mom. We’ll get pulled into Salt Lake City if you’re not careful.”
Salt Lake City was the worst place to get sucked into at a time when friendship was against the law. It’s filled with people so friendly that they’ll ring a stranger’s doorbell just to meet whoever’s inside. They love doorbell-ringing so much that when they come of age, they leave their families behind just to check out the doorbells in other parts of the world.
Despite my warnings, dense buildings grew up beside the freeway as the mountains sucked us closer. After passing a hunerd McDonald’s, eleventy-nine gas stations, four Walmarts, thrumpteen parks, and seven hunerd and thirty-twelve houses, the Wagon picked a driveway with a man standing in the center. I couldn’t smell him yet, but something about his jeans looked familiar.
I’ll never understand how, but like the Weather Jinx can bring a storm to the desert, Mom can conjure a Friend on any street corner just by sitting there and waiting. She did it more often at home, but like with Lily, I’d seen her summon Friends over very long distances before. Mom’s Friend-conjuring powers had faded recently, so much that she hardly ever used them anymore. And yet… Where did I know those jeans from?
When Mom opened my door, a rush of memory hit me as I recognized the irresistible smell of Boss Charming! I’d always wondered where he went on the days that he didn’t come to see me at the office. My heart sagged knowing that he’d been standing in this lonely driveway all that time waiting for me to come see him.
“It’s you! It’s you!” I squealed. “I thought everyone was dead! We’re not alone in this world after all!”
I trotted up the walk to the front door. I couldn’t wait to give him a tour of his castle.
“Let’s go around back.” Boss Charming walked away from the main entrance to the gate beside the house. He showed us to a long banquet table in the dog bathroom and pulled out a chair for Mom at one end. The Charming family, like Mom, preferred to keep visitors outdoors. Boss Charming held up a stay hand to Mom as he slid the door open just enough to make sure no one followed him inside. “Can I get you anything? Tea? Diet Coke?”
“Just water, please,” Mom said, shifting uncomfortably in her chair. Usually she was the one who got the Diet Cokes for Boss Charming.
When I smooshed my nose against the glass door to see if anyone in the kitchen needed help with dinner, there weren’t as many sloppy piles on the counters and pawprints on the floor as I expected.
“Aw, your house isn’t so messy,” I reassured Boss Charming, hoping he’d invite me to sample the delicious smells that followed him back outside.
He put a cup on the table for Mom and a bowl on the ground for me. “So what have you been up to?” he asked, taking his place at the head of the table.
It had been a dog year since we left our normal life behind, and I had more urgent matters to discuss. With all the new rules, there was no way to know what might have happened to all my Friends left in the City. I bumped my head into his hand to get his attention.
“You too, buddy. Have you been having fun?”
“How are my Friends? Do they still live? Or were they trapped by the boogeyvirus with nowhere to turn and no castle in Utah to flee to?” It came out all at once in a screech that made everyone jump.
Much to my relief, Boss Charming reported that many of my Friends had fled the City. The office that had been my domain for my whole career was closed and boarded up to keep strays from storming the gates. With no dog to herd them, all of my collies had scattered to the four winds.
“It’s funny, some people are loving it and others are realizing, I thought I would be okay, but I’m really not…” Boss Charming reported.
“Oh no! Did the virus get them?” I screamed. He jumped again. I didn’t mean to startle him, but it was so exciting to see Friends again that I’d forgotten how to control my voice.
“Cheeses, Oscar!” Mom cut in before he had a chance to answer. “Use your indoor voice.”
“But we don’t go indoors anymore,” I pointed out.
“How are you doing all alone out there on the road?” Boss Charming asked. “It’s a lot to deal with by yourself.”
“I’d rather be out on the road than stuck at home,” Mom said, looking at her feet like she does when she tells the truth. “I know I can’t run away from it, but being on the move at least makes me feel like I’m doing something. I’m more afraid of what I’ll find when I come home than I am of anything that’s happening out here on the road.”
Mom and Boss Charming kept speaking in small words like two humans not being paid to talk to each other while one by one the members of the Charming family came to the door to introduce themselves. I graciously offered each of them my butt for scratching, but Mom stayed at the far end of the long table and waved.
“We haven’t left the house in like three weeks, and it’s driving me a little crazy,” Boss Charming admitted. “You’re the first person besides family that we’ve seen.”
“What about your parents?” Mom asked. The last time we’d seen Boss Charming, he’d just come back from a week of helping Mister and Missus Charming Senior move to an old folks kennel. Now old folks’ colonies were so infested with boogeyvirus that they were following the prairie dogs’ example, telling visitors to keep out lest they bring in the boogeyvirus like fleas on a stray dog.
“We go and wave through the window. If they need anything, we pick it up for them and throw it over the fence.”
People in Utah sure had some strange customs. I was starting to understand why they’re so fond of doorbells. If all visitors stay outside, how else are your Friends going to let you know to come to the window and wave? How smudgy would our window get if I could only wag at Mom through the glass? The thought froze my heart, so I ducked my head under Mom’s hand to make her pat me as she talked.
When the sun set and the air grew frosty, Mrs. Charming stuck her head through the kitchen door. “Where are you staying tonight?”
I was so excited about the feeling of belonging that I’d forgotten that we were referees. The Charming castle was surrounded by miles and miles of houses, so we’d have a long drive to find a quiet place to sleep.
“We’ll keep pushing east,” Mom said in her business voice to show she had control over the situation. “There’s plenty of empty land off the freeway before the Salt Flats.”
“Why don’t you just stay in our driveway?” Boss Charming suggested.
Mom hid her horror behind a casual voice where only I could hear it. “I couldn’t do that to you.”
“What are you talking about?” I whispered. “You’ve shared a kitchen with him Jillians of times at the office, remember?”
“I wish I could offer you the guest room. At least use the guest bathroom to take a shower,” Boss Charming insisted.
“That sounds nice, doesn’t it, Mom? You haven’t had a shower since Colorado.”
“You’ve been working so hard to maintain your quarantine, and we’ve been out in the world for several weeks.” Mom looked around the lawn for a hole to disappear into. “No one knows how this thing spreads. If I got one of you sick—or worse, spread it to one of your parents—I couldn’t live with myself.”
“She’s exaggerating,” I reassured him. “The smell isn’t lethal. You’ll get used to it after a while.”
“But we want you to be comfortable,” Mrs. Charming said, not knowing that Mom can never be comfortable with a favor.
Mom looked around the patio like a trapped cat. Finally, she said, “If your neighbors don’t mind me sleeping in your driveway, and you don’t mind me sneaking in to use the guest bathroom, I promise we’ll be gone in the morning.”
“We’ll leave towels out for you and make coffee in the morning,” Mrs. Charming promised.
Mom’s thought bubble said that it would be more dangerous than the boogeyvirus itself for a filthy disease sack like her to accept so much kindness. Her mouth said, “Thank you. You’re too kind. Really.”
Mom held it through the night so she wouldn’t have to use Boss Charming’s guest potty and contamomate his spotless home with her cooties. The Witch woke us before any lights were on in Castle Charming, so Mom set up the Wagon’s kitchen on mute to make her own poop juice. When she was done, she carefully latched the stove and slid the foldable TV dinner tray into its slot beside the spare tire. She looked back at the house. There were still no signs of movement in the dark windows, so Mom, poop juice cup, and I all took our positions and the Wagon rolled silently away.
Want to keep reading? Grab Oscar’s book, No Place Like Alone on Amazon.
