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PSA from a wise dog

I didn’t get to run ALL weekend. On Saturday Mom spent her running time lying on the couch and projectile vomiting all over the bathroom. When I say “all over” I mean it – she had to take down and wash the shower curtain. It was certainly not as fun as a run.

So after 4 days of sitting on the couch being a potato beast, I was crawling out of my skin to go on an adventure. Sometimes you have to make your own adventures…

In the first mile I could see reflective strips moving strangely, in that they weren’t moving at all. Usually I can tell when a runner is coming because little chips of light move rhythmically in the blackness. Bikes have spotlights that bear down on me like a freight train. These light chips were doing neither, and had no headlamps. As we got closer, I could see that they were 2 Unauthorized Trail Users. “Don’t do drugs!” I shouted at them at the top of my lungs. “They ruin your teeth and then you can’t play tug or rip up toys!” “Sorry,” Mom said to the Unauthorized Trail Users. “But Mom,” I said, “this is important advice I’m sharing.” I was still puffy from the anxiety of speaking to strangers. “Maybe no one’s told them that drugs are bad.” “I’m pretty sure they know,” Mom said. I wasn’t so sure.

On the way back we saw another Friend, who I call the Upside-Down TV Man because he looks like a big box walking on tiny little antenna legs. Sometimes I shout at Upside-Down TV Man and sometimes I don’t, it depends on my mood. Today I was in the mood to let him know how the world works. “You’d better be saving 15% of your income toward retirement, you filthy swine!” I shouted. “I don’t know why sometimes he barks at you! I’m so sorry sorry!” Mom said to The Upside-Down TV Man as he cowered and put his arms in front of his face like a horror movie poster. “Make sure you’re eating plenty of fiber to keep you regular, you lewd crude bag of pre-chewed food dude!” I screamed, straining at my leash. Mom twirled around to wrap my leash around her shoulder to make it shorter and give her more leverage to pull me away. “What are you even shouting at?! What does that even mean?!” “Make sure to floss daily, you poop face. When you talk it smells like POOP!” I shouted over my shoulder as Mom dragged me away.

Once we were finally out of range I turned to Mom. “That sure was fun, wasn’t it?” “No.”

Well you can’t trust someone’s opinion if they puke on the shower curtain anyway. Puking is bad for your teeth, like drugs and not flossing.

–Oscar the Educator



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