Today my run wasn’t just for fun, it was actually a very important assignment. You see, Mom bought a big car so that we could make it into a car-house of our very own, and we’ve had lots of things to do to get it ready before we leave on our running trip tomorrow. The car-house used to be a mail-man-van, so people will see it coming and hide because they think that a mail man is coming to murder them and their families. So it will be very safe for us to hide inside it. Unlike me, the car-house also hasn’t gone many miles, even though it’s almost 4 Oscars old. But to make sure that we don’t get marooned like on the last trip, Mom paid a car-fixer man to make sure that this car-house is healthy enough for our adventure. This car-fixer man is very nice and instead of dognapping me, he scratches my butt and says my name a lot, only he says it like “Oh-scar.”
Today my very important assignment was to ride in the car-house all the way to the dog beach to make sure that it was healthy enough to take us to runs. Where we live there is a thing called “June gloom” which means that summer here is more like winter, so it wasn’t a very nice day for swimming or sunbathing. But that’s okay because we were there to run!
When we got to the beach, Mom took off her shoes and we ran and ran for 2 miles down the beach before we came back. I love the beach so much, I couldn’t decide whether I wanted to be in the waves, or digging in the sand, or chasing the birds or just exploring, so I cycled through each of them for about 2 seconds at a time. When it was time to turn around I wanted to keep going, but running without shoes is hard on a tenderfoot like Mom.
Mom is really jealous and insecure, so every time she thought that I was in danger of making a new friend she shouted my name and I stopped what I was doing and came closer to her so that she wouldn’t feel threatened. “Oscar, I’m glad that you come the first or second time I call you now. Your responsibility makes me feel so much less embarrassed.” “You don’t need to be embarrassed, Mom. Lots of people are jealous of their life partners. But I do think that maybe you should get some therapy about it…” “Oh, I’m not jealous of you,” Mom said. “I’m very proud that you’re not such an asshole anymore and you can make friends. I’m just embarrassed because my Boston accent comes out when I shout. Why the heck did I name you Oscar?” I had never noticed it before, but when Mom says my name it sounds more like “Awskuh.” Now it’s driving me nuts. “So what would my name be if it wasn’t Oscar?!” I asked. She calls me “Stupid” and “Poop” so much I thought that I already answer to them, and I thought she would say one of those. “I always kind of thought I should have named you Hector…” Mom said. Only, she said it “Hektuh.” “Oh yeah. That’s way better,” I said. Not because it’s true, but because I love her.
The car-house did well on our super important dog beach assignment, and the car-fixer man told me, “You did a good job, Oh-scar!” It had no more leaks or cracks, and a brand new set of tires on its rear paws. Unfortunately Mom wasn’t so lucky. All that barefoot running gave her a flat tire, and now she has a big, fat hole in the sole of her paw.
-Oh-scar the Pooch