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A terrible, horrible, no-good, very bad week

This injury thing blows. Not only is Mom not taking me running, but now she’s got my best friend (who comes to play with me while Mom’s at work) in on the game. I hate not being able to run off the bad feels. Because I’ve had a really rough week, you guys.

Not only does my shoulder hurt and Mom won’t take me running, but I also starred in a horror movie on Thursday. A man I’d never seen before came to my house. Sometimes other bad guys like the mail main or the UPS guy come through my front gate, but I’m always able to scare them off with my bark. This psycho tried to come in! On the other side of the door I didn’t know if he was a dog-eating man or what! I growled and barked at him and did other manly things to show him how tough I am… He got me real upset, but luckily I made him go away by being so tough and scary and all. However, in being so tough and manly and scary, I had also accidentally pooped and peed in my bed. Mom also sleeps in my bed, so I wasn’t really sure where either of us were going to sleep tonight… I was so worried between the intruder and spoiling my bed that I just had to tear a hole in Mom’s sweatshirt to help relieve my anxiety about it all.

But my nightmare wasn’t over yet! Even though the Bad Man went away, a little while later this lady that I’d met before, but only once, tried to come into my house! I wasn’t sure what she was up to, but eventually I let her put a leash on me. Big mistake! Never, ever let a stranger put a leash on you. Once she had the leash on she, forced me to leave my house! Who would protect my home if I was going to be with this lady now? What would Mom do without me?! Would she be upset if she came home and I wasn’t there to greet her? This had to be the most stressful day ever! And me without a run!

This part of the story has a happy ending though, because it turned out that the Kidnapper was going to the beach where I made lots of new friends. I wanted to show them what a good wrestler I am, but my shoulder hurt when I put my paw on the ground so I couldn’t really show off too much. Then the lady was very nice and took me back to my house rather than making me live with her at her house, so I was there to greet Mom like normal when she got home.

But then, in the morning another horrible thing happened. Mom took me out to the car and I thought that we were going to go on an adventure. But then she took me into a building. Usually I like buildings outside of parking lots because fun things like the pet store and bike shop where everyone loves me are in buildings next to parking lots. But inside this building was the vet’s office! Every time Mom turned her back I tried to bolt for the door. Too bad Mom was sharp and kept catching my leash.

When I had to walk on the scale, I sat right down like Mom asked me to do even though everyone knows that the scale is where you’re supposed to jump on and off over and over like a Jazzercize video. Mom said I was fat. I asked her if she’d heard of Jazzercize yet, because she was looking pretty chunky herself. The lady said that I was the best dog she’d seen in a long time, and that meant that she was going to have a good day. I thought this chick might be pretty cool (what with being an Oscar fan and all), but even though she was having a good day that psycho turned around and stuck a stick in my bum hole not 5 minutes later! What a sicko!

Then this other lady came in and shook my bad hand a lot. I didn’t even make her say the command, since my left hand was already up in the “pleased to meet you” signal. She said that I was very brave and “stoic,” but she could tell that my shoulder hurt. “Darned right it hurts! And do you know what that last lady did to me?!” I asked her. She seemed real sympathetic, and so I followed her into another room while I elaborated. “I really think that you should teach her about being nice to someone because you never know… hey! What’s that smell?!”

I could tell they had treats in there, but first I had to go into this real dark room where the thermometer-rapist, a horrible man in a funny jacket and the traitor nice lady who’d brought me in here all flipped me over on my back! I mean, it’s cool when Mom flips me on my back like that in the privacy of our own home, but give a guy his treat first! They said that I was the real brave, even if I did release my anal gland, which is kind of like pooping myself again (only a little, and Mom says it’s natural).

While the rapist lady was getting shampoo for my butt, they let me come back out to Mom. I wanted to make sure to keep Mom close by, but also had to keep an eye out for traitors and rapists so I put my butt right on Mom’s feet so she couldn’t get away while I watched these three sociopaths for further danger signs. I did get a cookie, but Mom didn’t get any butt shampoo for her shoe.

I guess all that grief was because Mom and the Traitor Lady wanted to see what I was made of. The traitor lady said that I took great pictures because I lay so still. I told her that Mom makes me practice taking pictures all the time on our runs but she wasted all that effort for nothing because I already know I’m made of love and rocks. Mom says all the time. But when they looked inside me it turned out that I’m just made of dog. Luckily, I have all the dog parts I’m supposed to have, so at least I’m a good dog.

So now I’m on bed rest. The Traitor Lady said that it could take a few weeks for me to recover, so she’s also a liar. She doesn’t know that I’m indestructible. The bed isn’t indestructible though. Mom took apart the frame so that she could make the bed “handicapped accessible.” She said it’s “uncivilized” to have your mattress on the floor and be sleeping under the couch blanket since I peed and pooped on the bed blanket, and that I’m lucky she loves me. This week I have hurt my shoulder, had to scare off a terrifying intruder, was kidnapped, was raped, was flipped on my back by a bunch of strangers, and have been put back on house arrest. She calls that lucky?!

Oscar the Pooch



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