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A heroic story of survival

It’s spring! It’s spring! This morning for the first time in about 100 months, it was not only dry, but warm! Mom took us to The Wetlands that Smell Like a Fart, which she likes because it’s flat and you can do different loops for miles, but it doesn’t have much in the way of shade. We started running when the sun was low enough that it got in my eyes if I looked in a certain direction, and Bodie and I wiped the trail with Mom for a little while.

But then, the sun kept coming up. Oh, this was wonderful! There were so many smells and noises to follow. Everything beyond the previous End of the World is still new to us, and so the excitement kept us focused on exploring. That’s why we didn’t notice that now that the sun was up, it was getting mighty warm. After about an hour of running, we reached the Real End of the World and turned around.

“Hang on, have you seen a water fountain recently?” Bodie asked. “Not since that one that used to be the End of the World,” I said. “But that was, like, 3 miles ago. Maybe even 3.1 miles. Or… 3.15 miles?!?!” “And we’re black dogs!” Then the penny dropped, and Bodie and I realized at the same moment: “Oh my god! We’re gonna DIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!”

As soon as we turned around, our run turned from a exciting, incredible journey to a morose death march. Bodie and I each stationed ourselves on one of Mom’s flanks and slowly started rotating around her so that she would get tied up in the leashes and have to stop every once in awhile to get untangled. Then we could rest and get our affairs in order.

“How could you do this to us?!” we whined while running at the absolute slowest pace that we could without putting tension on the leashes. “This is all your fault! Don’t you know what the sun does to black dogs?! You’re the worst dog mom!” Mom tried to downplay her cruelty. “Hey, I’m wearing a black shirt. It’s not so bad…” “But you haven’t seen the sun in 100 months! You’re like a mole. Your skin is so pasty you practically glow in the dark. You have no idea what it’s like to be us. Those of us with lustrous black complexions are irresistible, even to the sun.”

If I’m being fair I would have to admit that Mom did let us walk a few times, but that didn’t make it any less awful. I even had to run with my tongue hanging out like a common mongrel! Finally, so very many minutes later we reached the water fountain at The End of the World. Bodie and I crawled up to it like 2 dogs lost in the desert. I was too thirsty to be a gentleman and pushed Bodie aside so that we could both drink from the fountain at the same time. “Ladies first, my foot!” I grumbled. “Shove over.” We drank and drank for millions and millions of seconds. Soon we were back at the car, and mom blasted the air conditioner and rolled down the windows.

After the winter we’ve had, though, I doubt it will ever get hotter than 68º for as long as I live. So I probably won’t ever be in such a dangerous predicament again. Thank goodness.

Oscar the Hot Dog



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