“It’s not criminal, but it’s a violation of something-or-other,” Mom said in her law-gic voice. “I wouldn’t call it il-legal. More like extra-legal.” What a relief. If the Law found us, they would probably give me a medal for being so much more legal than everyone else. 

“After they mounted a thorough search for the horse, and a respectful time had passed for grief, I bet they adopted a buffalo,” I concluded. “Hey, what’s the difference between a buffalo and a bison?”

Dogs go potty in words, leaving public messages for any passing creature to enjoy, but Mom doesn’t like to pee where someone can see. Humans go potty like punctuation, as if its only meaning is a moment of privacy between important things. 

Back when the world was free and Mom believed she could predict the future, she aimed the farthest point in our trip at Devil’s Tower in Wyoming. More than anything else, she was visiting for the punchline.

As my ears roamed juice boxes, my eyes stayed stuck to the door where Mom had disappeared. Every time the door opened, instead of Mom, a bandit or a veterinarian came out carrying big bags of loot.

“It’s the treasure that sparkles, not the treasure hunter,” I reminded her. “Why don’t you wear the sparkly clothes for a change?” “Don’t be silly,” Mom said. “You’re the star of the show.” I couldn’t argue with that.

Mom’s shoe reached under the table and hooked the loop. I clamped my butt to the floor and braced all four legs. The leash pulled taut and my collar dug into my neck. 

“You sure are lucky you’re leaving the City when you are. It’s coming…” She paused for a meaningful look and her eyes added, You know what I’m talking about and how monstrous it is. 

“I have a surprise for you,” Mom said. I lifted my head and cocked my ears, but she wasn’t looking at me. She was looking at the Witch.

“I have a surprise for you,” Mom said. I lifted my head and cocked my ears, but she wasn’t looking at me. She was looking at the Witch.

“I guess I should introduce myself to all these disappointed people so they don’t feel like they drove so far from the Starbucks for nothing

“I think I know where the potatoes are coming from,” Mom said. “Hang onto your hat, Spud. This is gonna blow your mind.”

“I think I know where the potatoes are coming from,” Mom said. “Hang onto your hat, Spud. This is gonna blow your mind.”

I stepped into the river and made a big show of stopping for a drink to show the water that couldn’t push me around.

I stepped into the river and made a big show of stopping for a drink to show the water that couldn’t push me around.

“They can’t catch us if we outrun them.” Mom leaned forward and fell uphill in what looked like the sprint of someone who just grew legs

“They can’t catch us if we outrun them.” Mom leaned forward and fell uphill in what looked like the sprint of someone who just grew legs

She looked up like someone was calling her name and her eyes darted wildly, pointing at the empty air right above her head.

She looked up like someone was calling her name and her eyes darted wildly, pointing at the empty air right above her head.

I must have been behind a rock by the time Mom came by. The next time I heard her, she was bellowing my name from farther down the trail.